27 Years

Marriage from a Baseball Perspective

Today, Burchy and I celebrate twenty-seven years of marriage. As I reflect on our time spent as husband and wife it is abundantly clear that marriage never really reaches a destination but instead is a journey that is to be managed through the good and the bad, the thick and the thin, and the happy and the sad. Marriage can test you in ways that you never thought possible but can also give you some of the greatest rewards.

I have coached baseball for twenty-eight years now, and through my experiences as a player and a coach I can tell you that the game of baseball, as well as other sports, can challenge you between the ears as much as it can physically. I have spent the better part of the last eleven years educating myself on how to better handle and train players in the aspects of mental performance when it comes to the game of baseball. One of the foundational pieces I try to educate our young baseball players with is a program that I call White Noise(if you know you know) where I cover five essential aspects of mental performance. These five aspects are described by the acronym R.A.M.P-C. The “R” is responsibility, “A” is awareness, “M” is mission, “P” is preparation, and “C” is compete. I am now going to relate what I have learned in twenty-seven years of marriage to these five aspects of mental performance.

RESPONSIBILITY– with our players we talk about how they are responsible for EVERY aspect of their game. Such is the same in marriage, we are responsible for every aspect. I have learned that I am responsible for not only myself but also for the well being of wife. I am responsible for not only the care and nurturing of her physically but more importantly her spiritual and emotional well being. I am responsible for the attitude and effort with how I respond not only in the good moments but also in the moments that challenge me the most. With great power comes great responsibility and as I have discovered marriage is a powerful force that must not be taken lightly.

AWARENESS– with players we talk about how hard it is to fix aspects of our game when we are unaware of the things that need fixing. Bringing awareness to any aspect of life now gives us the ability to work on it as we see fit. Marriage presents us with a barrage of variables(yes, I teach math) along our journey, and having awareness as we stroll along can only aid us in our ability to maintain a healthy marriage. I have learned that I need to be intentional in my awareness of how my wife may be responding to my actions or perhaps my inaction in various situations. Being aware of her feelings and emotions in any given season of our marriage will only help me to respond in an appropriate way with words or actions of my own. Taking time to talk to my wife and receiving feedback in areas of our marriage will help me make necessary adjustments as we progress and transition through various stages of our union. In our family we joke a lot about having ATW(awareness to win), well when it come to my marriage I want to win at all costs so awareness is a key factor.

MISSION– with players we talk about always having a mission in mind when you start the day, the game, or the inning. If you do not have a specific mission then the dominant thought in your mind takes over and those types of thoughts generally gravitate toward the negative. In marriage, I have learned that each day I must be on a mission to pursue my wife. Yes, even after twenty-seven years it is important to pursue her in every way, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In any new relationship, I think we can all agree, we have one mission in mind and that is to win that person over and we give a tremendous effort toward trying to accomplish that mission. In marriage, as the years go by, there is a natural tendency to become complacent when it comes to the pursuit of our spouse. Yes, we made a commitment til death due us part but the fun lies in the journey so the mission must be intentional each and every day to keep that fire from those early dating days lit(no, it isn’t always easy)so the marriage continues to grow into an unstoppable force on every level.

PREPARATION– with players we discuss the importance of preparing to play which involves not only the physical aspect of the game but also the mental which plays such a key role. I think in every situation the more prepared we are the more confident we feel going into any scenario. In the event of approaching the unknown, we prepare the best we can and take action only to reflect and learn on the backend in hopes of better preparation the next time. The early stages of marriage can be fun(wink) but also a little scary due to the discovery of all the new that is being presented from beliefs, routines, and values being meshed together. Often times, we prepare for the newness of marriage through counseling sessions at a local church or being inquisitive with those that are closest to us that have experienced the bond of marriage. I have learned that through the years preparation comes from having awareness of what has worked, what can I do better, and how will I do it better next time. Experience is a great teacher and also helps to prepare us for what lies ahead. Preparation has also come in the form of paying attention to those that have come before us in marriage years and observed what they have experienced and how that could impact our situation. Success leaves clues and paying attention to situations we deem valuable and asking questions can give us great insight into what is to come to help us prepare. Prayer, far and away, has become my best strategy to help me prepare for not only the long haul but the daily journey.

COMPETE– with players, we greatly emphasize the fact that in competition, when all else fails just compete your butt off. It is rare that as a player you always have your “A” game so you must dig down and compete in the moment to win that pitch. Marriage is not a linear progression, it is a journey that often times takes two steps back for every step forward, puts you on a mountain top only to push you off a cliff into a deep valley. I have learned that there is no instruction manual for a marriage, that it’s an organic living thing that changes moment by moment just like a baseball game changes with every pitch. Sometimes we fall out of the routine, inconsistent with the drill work, or often times just ain’t feeling it, and it’s in those moments we throw the mechanics out the window and just COMPETE!! The will to win can often times supersede any physical or talent deficiency we may have in a game. Such is what I have learned in marriage, despite my deficiencies and fears I just need to keep competing daily to love my wife in the ways she needs to be loved.

Twenty-seven years only describes the experience I have shared with Burchy, today is now the longest I have been married which presents itself with unknowns and opportunities for discovery and growth.

There is no recipe for a great marriage but many ingredients are involved. We tell players that the game is like a messy chicken sandwich, when you take a bite the sandwich shifts and we have to adjust to keep the ingredients from falling out. Such is marriage, as we experience life together things shift and therefore adjustments need to be made. We tell the players they have two choices. One, leave the game to chance, show up with no plan, no intention, just roll out and see what happens or two, be very intentional in your actions with RAMP-C as a guide to help in improving your game in every aspect. I think the same two choices are in play for marriage, be intentional or leave it to chance. I know which choice I’ll be making on a daily basis.

In marriage, we have a responsibility to become aware of every aspect so that we can set missions daily in order to prepare for the journey that lies ahead which will maximize our ability to compete for our spouse’s mind, body, and soul.

Happy Anniversary Burchy! I love you to infinity!