The Mother Ship part 2

A Parents Perspective

Parents love their kids! We know the time, sacrifices and investments that are made trying to help our children become the best they can be in the areas of their life that spark their interest. Parents tend to go as the child goes. When things are going well, we feel that sense of accomplishment and pride. When things are not going so well, we share the hurt and disappointment. For the majority of parents, when their child reaches a certain level of competition, they soon come to the realization that being able to “fix” things becomes extremely difficult. It’s at this point being a spectator becomes significantly more difficult than ever playing the game. The loss of control can sometimes lead us to do some bizarre things in order to preserve our sanity. You may see moms hiding under stands with just a sliver of vision to see their child perform or you may see dads standing in odd places where others are unable to hear the groans and comments that come with their displeasure of the performance. As a parent, our circle of control has been shrunk to almost nothing. About the only thing that stays within our control is the attitude and perspective we choose to keep in regards to our child and their circumstance.

It is currently midseason for most teams around the country and by now there have been various reactions and emotions to events that have transpired to this point in the season. These emotions have ranged from joy to disappointment to happiness and frustration. For some parents their player is an “everyday” player which is reason for good vibes but may be experiencing a lackluster season which dampens the mood and can bring on concerns for their future. For other parents, their player is trying to find their way into the line up and be given a chance to demonstrate their skills. Regardless of the circumstance, negativity can bubble up very easily.

Like many others, I have had the opportunity to reside on both sides of the fence. As a parent of one former player and one current player I have experienced the range of emotions that comes from that small circle of control. There are definitely good days and bad days, seasons that were great and seasons that just could not end fast enough. The barometer for your feelings is often dictated by gauging how your child is feeling about their set of circumstances. The question becomes “So how do I manage all of these emotions during the course of a season?”.

Here are some things that we have tried to employ over the years:

1. Maintain an attitude of gratitude. Try to remain thankful that your child has the ability and opportunity to play.
2. The line up is not in your control. Coaches will make decisions based on how they see things through their lenses not yours. Try to trust the process and be intentional with your energy on aspects you can control.
3. Help your player maintain perspective. If your player seems to be in a negative situation or circumstance try to help them reframe the scenario in such a way that can possibly lead to a more positive outlook. Life is full of uncertainty just like baseball and many of these experiences can be preparing them for future events that may not be related to baseball. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.
4. Get involved. This one can be tough considering many times when we experience negativity there is often an urge to withdraw. I have told players for years the best way to combat their urge to focus on the bad within is to try and give your energy to someone else. Get off the bench after a strikeout and encourage a teammate or just talk the game a little. As a parent, we can try and find ways to invest in the team or program by offering our time or talents that may contribute to the overall growth of the team or program. If you find that your involvement has an undertone of “I’ll do this for that” then do not do it.
5. Support and encourage your player to add value to the team in whatever capacity their involvement is from game to game. Timelines are different for every player as far as physical and skill development but they can always contribute with attitude and effort in various ways.
6. Maintain a good parent perspective. Try and appreciate and enjoy the opportunities your player has relative to the level they are playing. Baseball playing days are finite and while we hope our player gets to play for their desired length of time the playing days do eventually end. For many this window of opportunity is small compared to the entirety of life. Most will spend more days not playing than playing.
7. Failure happens at every level. Baseball, especially the offensive aspect, is full of failure. Yes, during the early years there tends to be a higher frequency of success but as the years go on and the skill level of all players develops the rate of failure tends to increase. Hitting is a difficult skill at any level and ultimate success will come to those that learn how to deal with failure successfully. Trying to help your player maintain a healthy balance between expectations and failure is key for growth in the game. Even the big leaguers experience levels of failure so why as parents do we expect so much perfection from our own player? We have been there done that, again, it’s about balance.
8. Pray. Many times prayer is a great place to ask for inner peace.

These are some of the viewpoints and strategies Burchy and I have tried to use over the years and yes we have also failed miserably at this as well. It was especially hard with our first time through but we have continued to gain perspective on our second round but every journey is different and has its own set of challenges so hang in there.

Over the years we have also had takeaways concerning coaches. These takeaways are some that were learned through reflection as I was coaching as well as observed from the “cheap seats.”

1. Coaching styles vary in many ways. While I always felt good about my coaching style and it was favorable with my wife and kids it was not perceived as such by everyone. We have always tried to convey to our kids that experiencing various coaching styles can be beneficial in their development as a player as well as in life as we are not always going to be able to choose the style of our “boss” but we still need to put the work in and try to be productive for our “team.” Regardless of your style, always try to speak to your players and not at your players.
2. Be consistent. I had a young coach that was helping me one summer tell me that he appreciated the fact that he knew what to expect from me everyday he showed up as it pertained to my emotional state of handling things. He said that one of the things that was a negative about his high school experience was that his head coach was often unpredictable day to day and the players were never quite sure which coach was showing up each day. Consistency can also be referenced to handling situations as consistent as possible as they arise knowing there are always some exceptions and extraneous circumstances that coaches need to take into consideration.
3. Parents want their player to be valued. I had a meeting with a parent of a player that was not getting much playing time tell me to just make sure you make him feel valued. While they did desire to play more they were understanding but bottom line the player did not feel valued. This one may take some reflection and thought on how to help all players feel valued that fits within the framework of how a coach manages their program. This could take on developing more meaningful relationships with players where conversations can happen regarding their role and value to the team to finding ways to reward players for their efforts in the roles they comprise. “If we all don’t row the boat won’t go”, it takes efforts by everyone to contribute to the overall success of the team.
4. Communication. Communication is key in any relationship. The group of people that define a program from players and parents to those that help support the program want to be informed. These communications include current and future happenings that will be on a calendar to communicating the ideals and philosophies of each level of the program. These communications can help provide clarity in regards to the program and gives the coach a basis to make decisions that are founded in those philosophies and principles. This is also vitally important concerning players and limiting the grey areas they may have about their place and future in the program. As a head coach, I was very blessed to be part of two programs that took communication to a whole new level and felt like I did a good job of communicating to players and parents but I also know that I missed the mark in these areas as well. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind of baseball and sometimes it’s easier to bypass that “talk” with a player or parent.